It’s ok not to be ok

It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to feel the way I feel right now. It’s okay to miss him. I don’t know why I keep telling myself I have to be strong, I have to put on a smile and act like everything is ok. Because everything isn’t ok. I cried again today, the first time in a couple of days and it felt good. It felt good to let the pain back in and let the memories return. It felt real.

Things have to get worse before they get better, right? I know the pain I’m in now won’t last forever, but some days it feels like it will never leave. When I watch everyone around me living their life and getting blessing after blessing, I can’t help but be sad. Maybe even a little upset. Oh my heart cries; What about me God? Did you forget about me? Do you still care about me and my life? Why did you take all these things away from me? It hurts, oh it hurts so much to see others receiving the good things from God that I desperately desire.

I’m scared to hope, scared to think about the future. I don’t know what God is doing and even though I know he is doing something great and good in my life, it’s hard. But I hold onto the fact that God is faithful. No matter how hard this path may be, it’s the path I’m supposed to be on and it’ll get better. This pain won’t last forever.

I heard this song today for the first time on the playlist I had on. It was so encouraging to my hurting heart. I guess I just like the idea right now that things are gonna get better. There is hope, change does happen, and God is always going to be with me.

It’s ok if you’re not ok
It’s not gonna end this way
Today is the day to change
It’s the time, it’s the place

All that you’ve locked inside
Is ready to come alive
Embrace your great design
Now’s the time, lift your eyes

I don’t have to fear ’cause I trust his love
I know where my help, where my help comes from

It’s gonna get better
It’s gonna get better

There is no mistake I could ever make
That you’d let erase all you’ve done for me

The longer I live I see
Not a past that you can’t redeem
I know my identity
Failures won’t define me

I don’t have to fear ’cause I trust his love
I know where my help, where my help comes from

I’ve walked through the valley, the shadow
I’m ready for all you have for me
All you have for me
No matter where you lead as long as you’re with me
I’m where I need to be

It’s gonna get better