I just want to fight
I don’t want to give in. I don’t want to make these changes. I don’t want to go down this long path of waiting. I want to fight. I want to fight to have my way.
Why is it that even though I am doing what I know is right, I feel far from being at rest. Surrendering is not easy. One day I’m at peace and happy and the next day I’m struggling. There’s a part of me that wants to fight hard as I go into this unexpected season of my life. I want to kick my legs and scream at myself. I want to feel bad for myself for how things turned out as if I somehow could have changed it. I feel like a little toddler having a temper tantrum at God because I am not happy with how things turned out.
But where does this get me? Where does fighting ever get us when we know what God wants us to do? Fighting with God is a waste of our energy because God is sovereign over all things. We can fight all we want to, but God’s will is still gonna be done. If anything, our fighting and unwillingness to surrender peacably is only going to wear us out and prolong our waiting.
So why do I feel this way? It’s gotta be my sinful flesh telling me to fight. I think of the chapter in Romans where paul shared how he does what he doesn’t want to do, and doesn’t do what he wants to do. I can relate to this internal struggle Paul is having. I know what I should do but my flesh says “no, no, no… “.
But the truth is, I’m only able to find peace and rest when I decide that I’m done fighting to have my way. I can’t change the things God is doing in my life. God has me on this path for a reason so the best I can do is accept it. I can’t go back in time and change things so the best thing I can do is move on. All I can do is do the next right thing and see where God takes me as I’m waiting. It’s only when I choose to stop fighting that God can work in my life.
The other day I was sitting by the river thinking about all these things. I decided I was done fighting. I reached the end of my rope. It was pointless to keep wanting things to be different. So I decided that I the only thing I can do right now is move on. I need to keep on going with my life while I leave the work to God.
I’ll probably still struggle a bit with my urge to fight, because of my flesh. But I’m realizing surrendering our life to God is a process of continually giving Him control and trusting Him even when we don’t like the place we’re in. It’s a hard walk, but what would this life be without these struggles that bring us closer to our dear Savior.