“Lord, help me to let go of what isn’t mine to hold.” ~ November 16, 2021
I found myself there again. Holding onto the things that aren’t mine. My hands were gripped tightly. The past kept coming up to haunt me. I felt so trapped in my mind and sleep was not easy. Somehow I have been going through life and getting really good at this suppressing game. I focus so hard on staying busy with everything but on the inside, I’m crumbling.
I’m ready again, to give all to God again, to let go of the tight grip I’ve had on things. It all came to a point the other day. I rode my bike to the spot. I wrote in my journal. I prayed to God. I didn’t know what to say, but I know He could read my mind. I surrendered again.
I’m tired, tired of holding onto my past like it’s a secret. There are so many in my life that I haven’t told about my painful past and how it still haunts me. Is it wrong to keep it all in? It’s almost been a full year, is it time to share? Will sharing be another step in the healing? But how do I share my hurts without putting myself in the spotlight and making it look like I’m asking for pity? So many questions. But I know that God sees and God hears.
These are just thoughts. I don’t have much of a purpose for this post other than to let out some of the thoughts that have been circling in my mind. I’ve been asking those in my life to pray for God to give me peace. I have been guilty of dwelling on the past too much and it’s been a struggle to take every thought captive. I know that I need His strength each day and I want to have His peace again.
So here I am, simply asking that God would help me as I surrender again to Him. I want to hold my life again with open hands.
Reposting this post today because it still applies and it’s a good reminder 🙂
You wanna know the honest truth about life in the hard seasons?
One day you may feel amazing and so happy. You reach these highs and have the fullest sense of peace and joy. And then the next day you are back in the valley. Feelings of hurt, sadness, disappointment, and grief are back. A few days ago I knew I was right in the will of God. I felt so much peace and joy in Christ. I knew exactly what God was leading me to do and I did it. Now as the gravity of what I did sinks in, I’m somewhat surprised to find myself feeling kinda sad again.
This idea has been in my head the past few days. Feelings Ebb and flow. They come and they go. We feel good and happy one day and then we feel sad again and that’s normal. The more I walk down this long path of uncertainty and surrendered desires, I’m realizing that I can’t always trust any of my feelings. My feelings would have lead me down a dark and hard road if I followed them.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel certain ways. I can’t always stop myself from feeling happy or sad. I can’t change my circumstances either. But I find this to be helpful. When I’m in the valley, there is one thing I can change. I can change my view. I choose to acknowledge my feelings and then I take them to God. I remind myself that God is with me and He is the one who lead me to this valley. When I look to God instead of my feelings I find peace in knowing that God has a purpose for each and every hard season I walk through. I find strength in the unchanging nature of God that gives me clarity over all of my changing feelings.
So all I’m trying to say in this post is that feelings ebb and they flow. If you felt so happy and content in God one day and then your down in the dumps again the next day, don’t stress yourself out. God is still with you even though your feelings may have changed. Choose to set your eye’s back on God when the days get hard again. Find comfort in God who is your Rock. Don’t forget all the ways he is leading you and caring for you and choose to trust that he will keep leading you and caring for you. The place your at and even the feelings you experience all have a good and perfect place in God’s plan for your life. Choose to walk with God through the good feelings and the bad ones, understanding that they will ebb and flow, and that’s okay.
I can’t believe that November is here again and today (Nov. 8) is my *ahem* *ahem* birthday. I’m another year older and another year wiser, right?  I have officially crossed over the halfway through my twenties mark. And I thought twenty-five was a hard number to swallow, now I have to get used to saying twenty-six. I’m officially in my late twenties, and I don’t know how I feel about this.
But if there is anything I’ve learned about getting older it is that you can’t do anything about it. You can’t freeze time and stay the same age. You can’t go back in time and change the choices you made. The only thing you can do is move forward.
Looking back at my life there are a lot of things I wish I could change. A lot of choices I made that led to heartache and heartbreak. This past year particularly was not an easy one for me. Exactly one year ago I was in pure bliss. I was newly engaged and life was just… perfect. My phone keeps showing me pictures from last year and it’s pictures of my smiling face, my beautiful ring (but none of him because I deleted all of those ones).
I had no idea that when I celebrated my birthday and engagement last year how it was going to end. I had no idea that in just a few months it would all fall apart. I was oblivious to the deep darkness and hurt that was soon to follow. But I can say this. All the pain that I walked through led to something that was unexpected. The closeness I have found with Jesus this year is a gift I never imagined would be mine. Jesus has walked with me so closely this year and I wouldn’t go back and change anything because all of it lead me closer to my sweet savior.
Just the other day I was chatting with my mom saying that so much has happened this year that never would have happened if things went as planned. All of my writings were a direct result of the pain I was walking through. God spoke to me so clearly about what to write about during my hurt. I began serving and following Christ with a new boldness and fervor than I had before. I’m not the same naive Christian I was when I turned twenty-five. No, I am growing and maturing more and more in my walk. God is becoming dearer and dearer to me and I’m beginning to want only Him more and more.
Even though this past year was one of the hardest seasons of my life, it was also filled with so much joy. I found purpose and passion in writing this year. I made many new friends and I reconnected with many old friends which has brought so much joy to my life. I had one of the busiest summers of my life packed full of serving opportunities, including spending a week up in Oregon serving my first time at a Joni and Freinds Family Camp. I flew by myself for the first time this year and also planned a successful Disney trip with my sister (huge adulting points for this one!). I explored many new hiking trails, including an amazing backpacking trip in the Trinities for the first time. And that just briefly touches on a few of the many good things that came out of this year.
Now, as I stand at the end of this year, and after seeing all the good things that came out of this year, if you were to tell me that twenty-five would be the hardest year of my life, it would be hard to believe you. But there is a saying I believe I’ve heard somewhere. “Out of great pain comes great joy.” Or at least I think that’s how the saying goes. This has been my beauty from ashes year. My year where through great pain I have found the greatest joy.
And now as I look forward to twenty-six, I’m excited to see where God will lead me. God has captured my heart in new ways this year! What will he teach me next? What new things will this next year have for me? How will God grow me and change me?
Another year older. It’s not that scary anymore. Not when you realize that God is the one directing our steps and leading us on. Here’s to Twenty Six!
While I'm Waiting 