I was laying in bed last night, drifting off to sleep.
But as I felt my body drifting, I got inspiration and a new idea popped into my head. I don’t know why it is that inspiration always comes to me at the worst times. This is not the first time I have been inspired to write something while trying to fall asleep.
It’s a miracle that when I woke up in the morning I actually still remembered what I was thinking about as I fell asleep. So here I am now, writing about my thoughts that I had late at night.
I fell asleep thinking about how a year ago, when I was on the verge of getting married, I felt like I was so ready for that next step in my life. I had been waiting so long to be married and now it was my turn and I wanted it so bad. But in truth, I was anything but ready, and it was by God’s providence and grace that he didn’t let me take that step into marriage.
Whenever I look back now, I cringe when I think of how blind I was. I was not ready, I can see now and say so confidently now, I was not ready. I was selfishly wanting that next step so bad that it was unhealthy. I was so shattered when I didn’t get it because I had made myself believe that I deserved it.
As I was thinking about this, the thought came into my head about how so much has changed in this year. Now I feel ready, more ready than I was then. I thought, yes, I am ready now. But the minute that thought entered into my head, the dangers of that statement came to my mind at full force.
I realized that to say that I am ready is to say that I know what’s best for me. And to say that I know what’s best for me, is to say that I don’t trust God’s timing and plan for my life. To say that I am ready, is actually a selfish thing to say, because it takes away the fact that I need and depend on God each day. Saying I am ready puts me in the position of demanding things from God and being upset for not having things because when I say I am ready I am saying I deserve certain things now.
There is a quote that I remember from C.S Lewis’ book “Prince Caspian” where Aslan asks young Caspian if he is ready to become king;
“Welcome, Prince,’ said Aslan. ‘Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?’C.S. Lewis
I – I don’t think I do, Sir,’ said Caspian. ‘I am only a kid.’
Good,’ said Aslan. ‘If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not.”
It is because he is not ready, that he is ready. If Prince Caspian had said he was ready, he would be showing that he had a prideful heart and he would not be open to learning how to be a king. But his humble admitting that he was not ready, showed that he was ready, because he would be able to go into this new role willing to learn and lean into the wisdom of others.
So the reality is, to say we are ready, is not a wise thing to say. Yes, there will be times when we must prepare ourselves for something and we will be more ready than we were before for the task we are called to. But the minute we say we are ready and we have no more need to work or wait, we take a prideful selfish stance.
Saying we are not ready, is evidence of a heart that is seeking to lean on God and trust in God’s timing and in God’s way. Saying we aren’t ready, is the humble response God calls all of us to take so that our great God, can then come and be our strength and meet us in the places where we need His help.
So today, I am saying that now, after a year, I am not ready. I am not ready for the next step. I am not ready because I know how much I need God to strengthen me and lead me. And whenever God does bring the thing I desire most into my life, I will have to lean on Him for help and guidance. Because the minute I say I am ready, I am not ready.
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”Isaiah 40:31