Remember when you were hurting so much you would fall asleep reciting scripture just to keep your mind at peace.
Remember when it wasn’t hard to go to God because you daily needed comfort from Him.
Remember when He felt so near because of how much you hurt and needed His comfort.
Remember how easy it was to be near to God in those times because of how deep and raw your hurt was.
And now it is harder.
Why is it suddenly a fight to make all those things happen that used to be a necessity? What changed, what is different? Why does getting better and healing, mean that sometimes you don’t feel as close to God as you used to be?
Why does it suddenly feel like right now, I’m far from God. I’m not content and I’m not able to make myself practice the disciplines I know I need. Why does it seem that my soul is in constant turmoil, always searching for ways to numb and ignore the issue? There’s a weight pushing down on my mind, day and night. I just want peace, but I can’t, however hard I try let go of my feelings. I want to be free but I don’t. I just want to stay here and wait, because my poor heart refuses to love another.
I cried last night. Cried because I was so confused. Cried because I missed him so much still. I cried because I think last night I saw a glimpse of God’s heart. To love someone still so deeply, even after they have hurt you. Isn’t this a picture of God’s love for us? We sin and run from God. We do things that hurt God, but God still loves us.
I think of all the times the Israelites, Gods chosen people, turned from God and all ways they must have grieved God. I think I know a little more now how God must have felt, loving a people that constantly rejected him. It’s a love that I can’t explain, loving someone even after you’ve walked away from each other. It runs deep and it is hard to let go of, this kind of love. And I know that I will keep holding onto this love until God makes it clear that I need to let go of it.
So you can see, the kind of constant battle I’m in inside my mind. Which is why somedays I just want to go back, back to those days that I remember.