Surrender

What does true surrender look like?

It looks like tears falling down your face. It looks like standing at a crossroads, knowing only one way is the right path to take. It looks like defeat. But it is not defeat. It is something beautiful. It is letting go of the things we hold onto so tightly and giving them to God. It is saying that what we want is not as important as what God has for us. It’s opening up the door for God to lead us to what’s next.

I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever be done learning my lesson of surrender. I’ve always partially surrendered things to God. I’ve said that I love God more but I only would walk away if I had too. I see now that it never really was surrender because I was still holding tightly onto what I wanted. I was saying I was surrendering while being ready to jump back as soon as God gave me the slightest sign.

But today I found myself at a crossroads. I had a choice to make. Two obvious choices were before me. Never in my life have I felt so torn between such a choice. One choice would keep me closer to the thing my heart desired most, holding onto my relationship. The other choice felt like a leap of faith because it took me away from that hope. Today an opportunity to stay do what I wanted most was placed right in my lap. All I had to do was say yes and I could keep holding on tightly to the thing I wanted most. But when I checked my heart something wasn’t right.

I have never before felt such strong resistance between making a decision then I felt today. I have been fighting to have my way but deep down I had this gut feeling about what was right. After much distress in my soul and prodding question from a dear friend I went on a walk to clear my head. I cried most of the way. I had a “hard” conversation with God. I begged him to speak to me and show me what to do. I even sat down and waited, hoping to hear a physical voice speak to me and tell me what to do. I didn’t hear anything. Probably because I already knew what God was asking me to do. The rebellious spirit in me just wouldn’t stop fighting.

I know that today was a defining moment in my life. I came back from that walk with a heart that was decided on what to do. I made a choice. I chose to choose the path of faith. The path of surrender. I gave the outcome of this relationship to God and I will leave it in his hands. Then I cried in my closet.

I wish I could tell you that once you surrender to God, the pain will all finally go away. I’m sorry, but it won’t. I’m still hurting immensely. I am choosing the path that is hard and everything that is within in me is screaming to go the other way. But I can tell you that surrender does bring peace. I know that if I chose the other way, I would never have peace. I would not be truly trusting God to work in this area of my life. There is much pain in my heart still, but it’s okay. It’s alright because I know God is with me.

I’m overwhelmed when I think about the possibilities that this choice may lead to and the hard days to come. But today I made the choice to surrender and that’s where I’ll start. I’ll take it one day at a time and follow God in this life because I know that in life that is what matters most. Living a life completely surrendered to God is what I am called to do.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Disappointment

Oh the amazing amount of feelings that you can experience simply by one thing being changed.

When we have our hopes set on something we really want it is crushing to the soul when we don’t get it. Disappointment leads to hurt, sadness, and I’m learning it can even lead to anger.

I don’t like disappointment but I sadly have no control over the things that happen. I wish I could close my eyes and make all the feelings go away. And sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things. I wish I saw the signs and got help sooner instead of letting things fall apart in such a messy way. I wish with all my heart I could still have my plans come true and just forget about the disappointments.

To be honest though, the truth is I like soaking into the feelings of hurt and pain. Feeling pity for myself feels oddly good. But in the end I just need to get up and keep going. Keep hoping, keep praying, keep moving, because I know God is working.

I think disappointment likes to tell us that we made a mistake, we failed in some way, so we don’t get what we want. It tells us that we must now wait longer to get what we want. The bottom line is disappointment is an unwanted request from God to wait. Waiting is the last thing we want to do, right? We want what we want when we want it. But without disappointments in life I don’t think we’d be able to learn about how beautiful the virtue of patience is or how sweet the act of surrendering can be.

I may be preaching to myself mostly here. I need to not be discouraged about the huge disappointment life has thrown me so writing about this has helped. But whatever disappointment your facing in you life, I’ll be the first to join you and say disappointment sucks and waiting is no fun. But I also will say that it has a reason. Even though we may not see it, there’s a reason from God for every disappointment, unmet desire, or canceled plan. We just have to keep moving on and keep trusting God.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11