This isn’t my story.
This is not the path I would have chosen for my life, this pain, this heartache. I wasn’t supposed to have such a sad story. This isn’t my story because it’s not the story I want for my life, but I am comforted in this one thing. This is His story that I’m living and all this pain and hurt has a reason in God’s plan.
I remember hearing stories of people who get so close to marrying someone and then just days before the wedding day they cancel everything. I have always told myself, that will never be me. I will never let myself get that close to someone unless I know for sure it’s gonna work out. But I got engaged to my best friend and I knew we had issues. I somehow hoped they’d resolve before our wedding date. But the problems he had were deep, sin runs deep and sin hurts others. We made the choice to postpone our wedding date because of the distrust that has formed in our relationship. I have also made the choice to bring our engagement to an end as we wait to see if restoration of our relationship is in God’s plan.
My story isn’t one of walking away. I have always loved this guy and I always will. But right now God is asking me to take a step back, to surrender my dreams to Him, and wait. My story is a story of waiting for healing, waiting for peace, waiting for reconciliation, and waiting for the God’s direction in this new season of my life.
So in my waiting, I have decided to fill my days up with writing. I want to write about the hard and raw emotions I am experiencing and about how true rest and peace is always found in Christ. I want to be open with you about how real the pain of sin is and how much it hurts. I want to share my story because I know I am not the only one with this story. I hope that by sharing, those who are also waiting, will be encouraged to keep trusting God. So will you join me while I’m waiting.
For those who are interested because, whatever the outcome, I believe every story is a story worth telling…
Our Story (Sydney & Drew)
We first met in the spring of 2016 at a christian adventure camp staff training day. I was a returning staff and Drew was one of the new staff that year. We played an ice breaker game where everyone stood in a circle and tossed a bean bag around. When it was Drew’s turn with the bean bag, I don’t know how, but I suddenly knew that he was going to throw it to me. Before he threw it, he made direct eye contact with me and I felt my heart beating fast in my chest. He threw the bean bag at me and that was when I knew. This guy was not just another guy…
It was quite obvious to me, from that moment on, that this guy liked me. As the days turned into weeks, we became good friends and decided that we liked each other and wanted to spend more time together. I had no idea about the long journey God was about to take me on when I decided to let my heart love this guy.
Break up #1
About a year into getting to know this guy I felt like something wasn’t right. So in the summer of 2017 we mutually agreed we weren’t right for each other and brought our relationship to an end. A year later, after walking the line of still trying to be friends (which was really hard for me), Drew crashed his car into a tree and it was a pure act of God’s grace that he survived. He had a Traumatic Brain Injury that required many months of recovery. The accident awakened something in my heart and I knew that I still had strong feelings for this guy even though we had broken up. I couldn’t stop praying for him and I decided I wanted to be there for Drew during this difficult time in his life where he would have to relearn so many things.
I had to learn how to love the “new Drew” that had a TBI to recover from. We chatted with each other every day and our friendship began to grow stronger. We were still “just friends” until, one day, in the middle of a grocery store aisle (the ice cream aisle to be exact), Drew asked me if I would give him another chance at a relationship with him. Of course, I said yes!
Break up #2
For most stories, it’s smooth sailing from then on out. I wish I could say that was the case for us, but it wasn’t. I was so unsure and full of doubts about letting Drew back into my life. Drew had been struggling with alcohol addiction since college and it was starting to become an issue in our relationship. After the summer of 2019, I chose to walk away from the guy that I love because he needed to work through his addiction on his own.
The time we spent apart was a time that God used to grow both of us in our walk. It was one of the hardest seasons I’ve had to walk through and I honestly didn’t think God would bring Drew back into my life. But I never stopped praying and hoping that God would give me a miracle. Then, in January 2020, six months after break up #2, we started seeing each other again. It was apparent to me that Drew had made the decision to fight his addiction and seek God’s help in his life. I noticed a change in him and was overwhelmed that God had answered my prayers! We went into the relationship with God as the center and with the knowledge that we were both flawed sinners living in a corrupt world. The way Drew has pursued me and has stayed committed to loving me through each of those hard seasons has won my heart a thousand times.
On October 31, 2020, on Halloween night, Drew dressed up as my favorite childhood viking/crush (Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon) and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. After I said yes, we celebrated the engagement with both our families and a fancy dinner, which made my heart so happy.
Setback, Postponement, and a Season of Waiting
The season leading up to our wedding date has been very sweet. Engagement truly is a beautiful season in life. I fell more and more in love with Drew and his family. But I learned things about Drew that slowly began to bear down on our relationship. He had stopped fighting his addiction and was still desiring to drink moderately. I found out about ways he wasn’t being honest with me and it broke my heart. During this time I wrestled with what the wise thing to do would be. The dishonestly that Drew brought into the relationship hurt the most and after meeting with our pastor we decided we needed help and we needed to postpone our wedding.
I am hopeful, but until we can rebuild the trust that was lost and until Drew can gain victory over the sinful patterns in his life, we have put everything on hold and have sought out biblical help. I have made the decision to remove myself from Drew’s life for the time being to allow him to conquer the sin and addiction issues on his own. I have chosen to return the ring and bring our engagement to and end during this season of healing and waiting. If God truly means for us to be together, I believe God will restore our relationship. But until then, I have chosen to surrender the outcome of this relationship to God and God has given me peace. I believe God has a purpose for all this in my life and I’m learning to trust him as I wait.