Here We Go Again…

Here we go again

I feel like I’m back to where I started. I was making progress and I was pretty sure I finally knew where God was leading me. Things were starting to fall into place and my life was beginning to take on a new direction. But then it all ended. Just like that, I am back where I started. Here I am again, not sure what God is doing in my life. The return of feeling lost and lonely have also been overwhelming.

I keep crying out to God, my desire isn’t bad. I simply want to fall in love and be in love again. I long to have someone in my life who will love me and who I can love in return. I’m tired of this waiting game and there are times when I literally feel like I can hear the clock slowly ticking ticking away. Is it not wrong that I just want to start a family together before I get much older and find myself in love again. I wish I could tell my past to stop coming back to my mind and reminding me of everything I lost.

Yes, I’m here again. I’m sad and struggling again with feeling depressed and it doesn’t help that I’ve also been recovering from Covid. My body has just been so weak and tired and I’m finally starting to get back to some sort of normal again. But the fatigue from Covid is no joke.

Maybe I need to take more time to look on the bright side some more. I’ve been here before so I know I can get through another hard season of waiting. I’m still young, even though I’m over halfway through my twenties. Yes, I didn’t get a love story when I wanted it (right out of highschool would’ve been prefurred) but I’m still in my twenties and still young. There is still plenty of time for God to write me a love story so that I can raise a family someday. I have a family that loves me and supports me even when I feel lost. They provide for me and don’t pressure me to leave even through I wish I could’ve been out starting my own home already. And I know I have a God who loves me still and is with me. God has a plan for everything I walk through even this. Somehow writing out these things helps me to stay focused.

So yes, here I am again. I know I’m not over this yet and I still have many hard days ahead. But I will not lose heart. I will keep moving forward and keep waiting on God.

The other day, I felt so lost but I was listening to the song “It is well.” I suddenly felt overwhelmed and tears flowed down my cheeks. I verbally said out loud to God – “Okay, God, If I never fall in love and get married, it is well with my soul. It is well.” And that’s how I want to end this post. As much as I want God to bring these things into my life, I can’t demand them. I can’t make them work with the wrong people. So I am learning to say that it is well, it is well with my soul, whatever the path the Lord takes me down.

But I’m not gonna lie, a little direction would sure be nice.

A Loving God

I am just overwhelmed by how good God is!

Guys, I can’t believe how much God loves me. I had a hard but also very wonderful past few days. I drove down to an outdoor adventure camp I work at to spend a few days cooking and rafting. I was happy to be at this place, but it was also so hard. This was the place where I met him. Just being at camp makes me think of all the memories I’ve had with him. It made my heart hurt so much. Not only were the memories hard, but many of the staff that I was working with had their significant other with them and it made me feel so lonely. Seeing couples doing what couples do at a place where I use to hang out with him really made my heart ache.

So, as you might guess, I got really sad. I was doing great, serving the campers that came and loving on them as I worked in the kitchen. But after one long day when I was done working I layed down and I couldn’t hide the pain anymore. I let the tears fall down. I just had this overwhelming sense of needing to feel loved. I didn’t know what to do. I was to unsure about seeking out love from the other staff so I took my Bible and found a quiet place to read. In a very raw and scratchy voice (my voice is always a bit scratchy after crying), I said “God, I just need you to comfort me and bring me the right passage from you word that will comfort me.” I then randomly opened up my Bible to chapter 3 in Ecclesiastes. And my heart just about burst.

This was the chapter where it talks about there being a time for everything. My eyes fixated on the parts of the passage that said “there is a time for mourning, a time for healing, a time to weep, a time for lose, a time to to break down.” All these things reminded me that it’s okay to feel the hurt still. That just like there is a time to be happy and joyful and a time to love, there is also a time for healing and all the painful emotions. I kept on reading to verse 11 where it says “He has made everything beautiful in His time.” I prayed and thanked God for this beautiful reminder from His word that he is working in my life and I read that passage out loud over and over again until I felt better.

I know that God loves me so much because I was broken, I came to Him in my hurt and simply asked Him to give me what I needed. I wasn’t expecting anything big. Maybe just a Psalm that I could relate to. But my heart is overwhelmed because God heard me and he cared for me in my time of hurting. He gave me what I needed and it encouraged my heart so much.

And there is more! God is just so good, you guys. That same night, after I began to feel better I went to campfire with the group that we were serving at the camp. One of the leaders shared a message that night. In his message he shared about a hard experience he witnessed and the peace of God. His main point in his message was that in life we will face hard times but throughout each hard time we go through God is able to give us peace and joy. The fact that he said peace and joy was just amazing. Every single day when I pray, I have been specifically asking for peace and joy in my life. I haven’t been praying for just peace, but peace and joy. The fact that he paired both those things together and shared how they can be ours during hard times really touched my heart. I knew without a doubt God was looking down on me and covering me in His love. I’m also thankful that the next day I had a chance to personally thank the man who shared his story and tell him that I was going through a hard time and his message was such an encouragement to me.

I’m back home now and enjoying some rest after a fun trip on the river (which may and may not have included me falling out of the boat during one of the big rapids and taking a little swim). I’m still a bit sad because memories are something I can’t easily forget. But I’m also just in awe at how God came through and gave me what I needed. Oh how much our God loves us! It’s these little moments when we are at our end, when our darkest hurts feel so real, that God gives us just what we need to keep going. God loves us enough to say keep following me and here is what you need to keep going.

I’m ready to keep trusting Him and keep following Him because I know that God loves me so much. We truly have such a loving God!

Triggers

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel completely better.

I had another rough weekend. It really was just a normal weekend, but sadness kept seeping up into my heart until it was too much. I crashed and I cried. I felt like there was this huge weight on my shoulders from pasting a smile on my face each day and ignoring all the pain that is still in my heart.

This week I realized how quickly the feelings can come back when it is triggered by something. A walk into Home Depot reminding me of the hours I spent with him in that store. A trip to the climbing gym alone, which used to be our favorite activity together. An outing with my church’s college group and one of the guys turns and for a short second he is the spitting image of him. Accomplishing something exciting in my life and realizing I can’t share it with him anymore. Scrolling through social media and seeing pictures of not just one, but three people I know getting married.

Some days I wonder if he is moving on with his life too. Guys, I’ll be honest with you, on my lowest days, the temptation to text him is so real. I hate these constant triggers that keep popping up in my life to remind me of all the things I miss about him. I know I’m on the right path, but it’s not an easy path.

Sometimes I wonder what am I supposed to do? It would be foolishness for me to hide away in my room and avoid all the triggers that bring back hard memories. No, I know that even though these triggers happen, I need to still go out. I need to keep living and make new memories that can replace the old ones. But it’s still hard and my heart is still so raw. I think I understand now why heart wounds take forever to heal, and oftentimes never completely heal.

But I don’t want this to be a sad post. Even though I’ve been feeling a bit discouraged, I don’t want to discount all the good God has been doing in my life. He has brought so many amazing opportunities into my life this summer to serve Him. I’m going to be so busy serving him and working with a few camp ministries. I am continuing to be overwhelmed each day by God’s continued faithfulness to me.

In my Bible study we just finished up the study of Joseph. It may seem strange, but my favorite part of the story of Joseph was when after he had been raised to power in pharaoh’s kingdom and he said that God had made him forget the pain of his youth. Oh how my heart latched onto that verse. I’ve read the story of Joseph so many times and just skipped over that verse. But now I am finding myself repeating that verse to myself over and over. This morning I even prayed that verse over my situation. I know that just like Joseph, someday I’ll be able to say the same thing about my life. I long for that day when I can say that all this pain was worth it and that the blessings God has for me is enough to make me forget all of my hurt.

Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”

Genesis 41:51-52

I know that as time goes on I will begin to make new memories. I’ll make new friends. I’ll create new experiences to replace the old ones. As time goes on, the triggers won’t hurt so much. It’s still early in my healing process. I know I still have more sad days to come. But oh how thankful I am for all my good days and all the joy that I have continue to find in God.

Content

Today I feel content

It’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt this way. And it’s strange. Nothing changed in my circumstances. I’m still in the same place, still not sure what God is going to do. But I it’s as if my whole outlook on things has been flipped around.

Only a few days ago I found myself consumed by stress and worry. I was having so many overwhelming feelings of despair and sadness. I actually began to be seriously worried about myself because of how depressed I was getting (I was having little panic attacks, and I never, ever, have panic attacks). But last Sunday, in the middle of those painful feelings, I decided to reach out to a few people. I asked for prayer. Then I went outside and rode my bike. I found a quiet place, I talked to God. I could feel all the inner turmoil inside me. I saw all the plans I had in my heart and I saw that I was holding onto them so tightly. I knew I had already surrendered these things to God, but somehow I found them once again in my hand. And I had a deathgrip on them.

But as I prayed and shared with God my heart something began to happen. My hand began to loosen up. I began to realize that it doesn’t matter how much I want certain things to happen in my life. God is the one who orchestrates all things. No amount of me wanting it can make it happen if it’s not in God’s will. And no amount of me worrying about it can stop it from happening if it is a part of God’s plan. God is the one who has brought me to this hard place I am in now. He was been with me all this time and I know that He will continue to be with me. I finally realized that I had to let go…again.

And the next day you won’t believe what happened! I woke up with such supernatural peace! I swear I was a different person. All the fear and worry I that I was drowning in the day before was suddenly gone. As I went about my day I started to get this new feeling. A feeling of “I’m content.” I’m content to stay here in this place. I’m content to keep waiting until God shows me where He is going to lead me. I wasn’t depressed anymore. Instead I was happy and I felt overwhelmingly content with the life I have right now. It once again clicked in my head that this is where God wants me to be right now and I can rest in Him.

Real quick, I want to make a interesting observation here. There is something strange I’ve noted that always happens to me right before I receive some sort of direction or answer from God. I find myself overwhelmed with so many feelings. I cry and tears flow down my cheeks in a steady stream (which isn’t normally how I cry). I can tell that these tears are different. Usually I’m in the process of doing what I know God wants me to do and I am crying because it’s not an easy choice. My whole body, and especially my arms shake (which is also not normal for me at all). The last time my body was in a distressed state like this was the first time I surrendered my situation to God. And the day after I surrendered I also was filled with the same kind of peace. I just find it so interesting how my body reacts noticeable different the day before God leads me to do something involving surrender and how it’s always followed by peace.

Anyway, as I try to bring this post to an end, I just want to say how thankful I am to God for the new peace He’s given me. I know it comes only from Him. But I also want to tell you that even though I have this peace, I still have my hurts and my desires didn’t completely go away. I still have days where I’m sad and I miss my ‘old’ life. I also understand that the hurt and sadness I experience is normal and only time can take it away. We live in a world full of sin and sadness and I’m realizing that until we are in heaven with Jesus there will be pain and hurt in our lives. But I no longer feel like I need things to happen my way anymore. I feel like I can rest now in knowing that whatever happens will be the path God wants me to take.

This new place I’m in right now is a good place to be! Honestly, I never thought I’d get to this place, especially after such a rough few days. But here I am and how Good is our God! After so much fighting and crying, my heart welcomes this peace and rest. God has finally shown me how to be content right here 😉

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:11-13

Better

It’s ok not to be ok

It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to feel the way I feel right now. It’s okay to miss him. I don’t know why I keep telling myself I have to be strong, I have to put on a smile and act like everything is ok. Because everything isn’t ok. I cried again today, the first time in a couple of days and it felt good. It felt good to let the pain back in and let the memories return. It felt real.

Things have to get worse before they get better, right? I know the pain I’m in now won’t last forever, but some days it feels like it will never leave. When I watch everyone around me living their life and getting blessing after blessing, I can’t help but be sad. Maybe even a little upset. Oh my heart cries; What about me God? Did you forget about me? Do you still care about me and my life? Why did you take all these things away from me? It hurts, oh it hurts so much to see others receiving the good things from God that I desperately desire.

I’m scared to hope, scared to think about the future. I don’t know what God is doing and even though I know he is doing something great and good in my life, it’s hard. But I hold onto the fact that God is faithful. No matter how hard this path may be, it’s the path I’m supposed to be on and it’ll get better. This pain won’t last forever.

I heard this song today for the first time on the playlist I had on. It was so encouraging to my hurting heart. I guess I just like the idea right now that things are gonna get better. There is hope, change does happen, and God is always going to be with me.

It’s ok if you’re not ok
It’s not gonna end this way
Today is the day to change
It’s the time, it’s the place

All that you’ve locked inside
Is ready to come alive
Embrace your great design
Now’s the time, lift your eyes

I don’t have to fear ’cause I trust his love
I know where my help, where my help comes from

It’s gonna get better
It’s gonna get better

There is no mistake I could ever make
That you’d let erase all you’ve done for me

The longer I live I see
Not a past that you can’t redeem
I know my identity
Failures won’t define me

I don’t have to fear ’cause I trust his love
I know where my help, where my help comes from

I’ve walked through the valley, the shadow
I’m ready for all you have for me
All you have for me
No matter where you lead as long as you’re with me
I’m where I need to be

It’s gonna get better

One Day at a Time

What do you do when you don’t want to do anything?

When getting out of bed is hard. When the days are so long and all you want to do is forget. Forget about all the memories that just remind you of everything you don’t have anymore. When the thoughts of how to move on are so strong that you feel crushed and unable to move.

I’m sure you know pain. Maybe not the same pain I’m experiencing, but it’s some sort of pain. Maybe your pain is harder. Who am I to complain about my broken heart when I think of what you might be going through. Maybe you’ve lost someone you love and they are never coming back. Maybe you are faced with a life-threatening illness with only days to live. Maybe, like me, you have a broken heart and nothing seems to make sense anymore. I realize that I have so much to be thankful for, but right now, I just want to do nothing and sometimes I just want to cry. Whatever it is that you are going through, if you feel that way, that’s okay. It’s okay to have these days. But here’s a little something that has helped me to get through each day.

Learn to take it one day at a time.

I find that I get the most overwhelmed and scared when I let my mind think too far into the future. I think about all the ways my life is changed and how it’s no longer going where I had wanted it to go. And then if I look to the past I find regret, shame, and sadness and those feelings don’t help much either. But when I look to God and focus on just the day ahead of me I find that I am able to make it. I am still scared of the unknown road ahead of me, but I can commit to making it through one day.

And that one day will turn into two days, then three days, then four… before you know it you will be feeling less of the hurt. New doors will open and new opportunities will come. God will reveal his plan for you and fill you with his joy while you keep on following Him. And it began with you simply taking it just one day at a time. So whatever you’re facing, can you commit to just taking it one day at a time? Commit to following your sweet Saviour today, and don’t worry about tomorrow. You can worry about tomorrow when it comes.

This is what I’m going to do. Take it one day at a time.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34